Changing My Voice, Keeping Our Connection

Tallulah Breslin, MS, CCC-SLP
Apr 26
3 min read

Both partners go through transition together. Your partner needs to transition their view of the person they are in a relationship with, and you both need to come together and resolve any negative emotions surrounding the delay in identity disclosure. Couples therapy with an informed, affirming counselor can be a huge help here.

Because voice is so integral to our communication, partner's realization that it's no longer working may occur during voice training. Or, your partner may be uncomfortable with voice training, fearing that change. Fortunately, unlike with voice surgery, during voice training you keep your range. That means that you can adjust your voice depending on who you are speaking with, so your overall transition can continue without outpacing your partner's transition.

While, unfortunately, relationships do sometimes fall apart during transition, some relationships grow and thrive. We are happy to be here to support you on your voice journey wherever that journey takes you, whenever is the best time for you.

Below are some words of advice from some lovely transgender women who have thrived in their relationships during transition.

Cindi M.

Patience is not indefinite and requires constant moving forward together and communication. It's important to move forward together, rather than the transitioning spouse running ahead of the other. There is no "one size fits all" concept, but there are actions that can increase the odds for many. My wife can attest to this, even though it wasn't what she signed up for either.

Kathy W.

My wife's view was that she did sign up for this. "For better of for worse", after all. She understood, after I told her I was trans, that I would probably transition, and that is the way it turned out. She did want to know why I had never hinted about it in the past, but she understood the power of denial and accepted it. All my transition decisions were made with her input. We transitioned together. She makes fun of becoming a lesbian through no choice of her own, and calls herself "lesbian by marriage". I think, on the whole, that she likes me better as Kathy than she did as the old me. She notices that I am more myself now, and likes that.

Two queer people smiling at each other, one wearing a red hair ribbon and patterned dress, the other in brown. Wooden beams in the background.

Robin F.:

It's not something our partner typically signs up for, but if they truly love the person and not some self-manifested representation of them then there is hope that the relationship can blossom into a new existence. The majority of the time it is ultimately not about how 'we' move forwards, but what can we salvage so that we may co-exist and hopefully with at least a modicum of friendship, respect, and support. Even in marriage/partnership we're not responsible for anyone else's happiness but our own - don't ever be someone you're not in order to please someone else. Voice feminization helped me a lot personally, and we have come to a good place together now.

Allie B.:

My spouse was my partner in life, and I shared everything with her. She knew I was trans before we married, watched me struggle against dysphoria for 20 years, and accepted that I had become seriously ill because of this. She argued for me to stay on HRT for my survival, and stuck with me for the next couple of years through to GRS (gender reassignment surgery). She was part of every decision we made, because what I did affected her. People react to the dysphoria pressure, just like you pull you hand away from burning heat. If your partner understands this, they will more readily accept, but most relationships fail because it isn’t what one partner signed up for. We are still good friends and keep in contact. The relationships which make it through transition and onwards are truly remarkable.